Fixing the Wounded
by oncerSM
Summary: "Barry you're hurting yourself! You need to tell someone" Felicity sobbed, tears now streaming down her face. "No one would care anyways, besides i deserve it. But Felicity, you can't tell anyone"... Some secrets shouldn't be kept, and Felicity Smoke now knows this well. Takes place in the beginning of season 3 of The Flash and season 5 of Arrow.
1. Chapter 1

"Felicity, did you find anything new on the identity of the Throwing Star killer?" Oliver asked the moment he had stepped through the elevator. But she wasn't listening, her eyes stared blankly at her computer screen and her fingers tapped rapidly along her desktop. Her forehead was beaded with sweat out of nervousness.

"Felicity?" Oliver asked again, walking towards her.

 _She had to tell him, someone had to know._

 _But Barry would kill you_

 _He's already killing himself_

 _No. He wouldn't go that far, or would he?_

The same conversation had been going back and forth in her mind ever since she had spoke to Barry, ever since he had told her his secret, and it was eating her alive.

One week ago- Flashback

It had been weeks after Barry had told her about Flashpoint when he came running into the foundry once again, followed by the usual flash of lightning and a gust of wind which knocked over a stack of papers that Felicity had been working on.

"Barry!" She yelled out of frustration and surprise by the sudden intruder to her work. She hadn't expected him to come, but then again she never did whenever he arrived to pay team Arrow a visit.

"Please tell me that the timeline isn't messed up again or that there's not another evil speedster you need help with because Oliver's-" but she immediately paused her words when she saw his face. Streaked with tears with his cheeks bright red Barry stood looking at her. He wore his Flash suit, making Felicity think he had just been on a mission, one that had ended badly.

"What happened?" She asked slowly. "Is anyone hurt? Dead?" She dreaded his answer.

"I can't take this anymore, Felicity" he sobbed, running his hands through his hair. "I can't take any of this anymore!" He then quickly pulled up a chair next to her with his speed and collapsed out of exhaustion into it. Felicity stared at Barry with concern, this wasn't like him.

"Ok calm down, Barry. What's going on?" She asked slowly while taking one of her hands into her own.

"It's Cisco" he breathed. "Well not just him, mostly him but it's just..." Barry stuttered, trying to get his words out. "He hates me Felicity, because I killed his brother, I killed Dante and I deserve everything that's been happening..." He sobbed and it wasn't until now that Felicity noticed the bags under his eyes.

"Barry..."

"It's like I can do nothing right. Every time he sees me he just tells me how worthless I am. And it's not just him, I see the way the rest of the team look at me, they all hate me, but I don't blame them because I hate me too" He admitted, obviously wanting to get this out to someone who would listen.

"No one hates you Barry, and I'm sure Cisco...he doesn't mean it, you need to know that" Felicity tried to tell him.

"Just yesterday he asked me why he keeps letting Caitlyn save my life whenever I get injured fighting a meta, that maybe one day I won't be so lucky and I'll die just like his brother did, except I'll actually deserve it" Barry told her.

"Are you sure you're talking about Cisco?" Felicity asked. "That doesn't sound like him" she said truthfully, thinking about the shoulder length dark haired young man, that always was the one to crack a joke to anyone that would listen.

"Ever since Dante, he's been different. Ever since Flashpoint" Barry said. "He blames me for his brother's death, and so do I, it's all my fault" he told her sadly.

"You didn't kill his brother, Barry. It's not your fault" She tried consoling him, but she doubted he would listen.

"I need to show you something" Barry said, suddenly standing up and letting go of Felicity's tight grip. He then removed his scarlet colored gloves from his suit and then rolled up both sleeves, before turning over both arms.

"Barry" Felicity said carefully while staring at his arms, her eyes steadily filling with tears. "Where'd you get these?"

Both arms were covered from elbow to wrists with scars, harsh lines scratched into his skin with what looked like a razor. Felicity found herself then slowly getting up from her seat but unable to look away from his scars. Some of them were almost faded while others looked rather new.

"Where'd you get these?" She repeated but one look into his bloodshot eyes and she knew the answer. Felicity suddenly felt herself feeling sick, out of instinct she reached for her phone along the table but Barry grabbed her hand to pull her away.

"You can't tell anyone!" He said quickly.

"Barry, you're hurting yourself! You need to tell someone" Felicity sobbed, tears streaming down her face now.

"No one would care anyways, but Felicity, you can't tell anyone. Please, promise me you won't tell anyone" Barry asked.

"Barry..." Felicity said sadly.

"Promise me" He replied. Then after a few seconds she released her grip on her phone and sat back down in her chair, Barry's phone began ringing as soon as she did. "Meta human alert app" he muttered and within seconds he was gone with the same flash of lighting, just like that.

End Flashback

"Felicity" Oliver repeated, now standing right behind her.

"Oliver, can I..." she said spinning her chair around. "Can I ask you something?" She asked him. "What do you do if someone you know, someone who's a good friend is hurting themselves?" She couldn't keep this to herself anymore, Felicity decided.

"Who's this good friend?" He asked questionably. Felicity shook her head "I can't... he didn't want to me to tell anyone, but Oliver I'm scared for him" she said through tears.

"Felicity who are talking about?" He asked. "Who's hurting themselves?"

"Barry" she said finally. "It's Barry".


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all the really awesome reviews! This next chapter will be kind of setting up the drama to come...**

"Barry? I don't understand" Oliver stared at Felicity, unsure if he wanted to believe that Barry, a man that he had known for a few years now would be so lost that he would hurt himself on purpose.

"He came to me, a few weeks ago and told he messed up the timeline-" she paused seeing Oliver's confused expression "Long story. Anyway that doesn't matter. What does matter is that a week ago he showed up again, he was crying, apparently Cisco and the rest of his team had been giving him a hard time and he told me he couldn't take it anymore" Felicity took a deep breath and looked down. "You should've seen him, Oliver. He wasn't okay".

"Does anyone else know about this?" Oliver asked.

"I think I was the only person that Barry told, he made me promise not to tell anyone but this isn't some stupid secret".

"No of course not, this is life or death" Oliver said as if reading Felicity's mind. "So what do we do now?" He asked.

"We need to fix this, get Barry help" Felicity said. "I think we need to go to Central City".

Star Labs

"Can you do nothing right?!" Cisco yelled in the cortex to an out of breath Barry Allen, who was still dressed head to toe as the Flash. He had just come back from fighting a new meta created by Alchemy, one that had gotten away. "Cisco I'm sorry, I'll get him next time" Barry muttered, not in the mood to get yelled at once again.

"Oh you're sorry? Just like you were sorry about Dante? Well guess what man, the meta's still out there and my brother is still dead!" Cisco slammed his hand down on the computer table making Barry jump, but he was used to this by now.

"Cisco stop it please!" Caitlyn said loudly, yelling before Joe or Iris had the chance to get into this argument. "It's just another meta that the Flash will put away in the end, there's no need to take your anger out on Barry" she tried telling them as calmly as she could, but Cisco yelling at Barry was a daily occurrence in Star Labs, and it never ended well.

"Oh like you don't feel the same way, Caitlyn. He's the reason you have cold powers, he's the reason that you probably gonna end up being an evil super villain" Cisco reasoned.

"Cisco..." She said under her breath but she didn't say anything. Barry just stared at her and nodded

"Right. Yeah, Cait I'm just going to go train...in the speedlab" and then he was gone.

"I'm going to go talk to him" Iris said, then she looked at Cisco. "You don't think he beats himself up enough about Flashpoint?" She asked him without meaning for him to answer, and then she walked out to the go find Barry.

As Iris walked down to the speedlab she expected to hear air rushing rapidly and crackles of lightning but instead she heard silence. "Barry?" She asked, but their was no response. "Barry, you know how Cisco gets..." she said.

"Iris...please just leave me alone" Barry's voice called out to her, but as he talked his voice wavered.

He was sitting against the wall on the speedtrack when Iris came up to him, his head in his hands and his knees pulled up to his chest.

"Barry?" She repeated once more, as she sat down against the wall to join him and put a hand on his back to try to comfort him, she felt his body shake underneath her fingertips. Iris knew he was crying.

"Hey look at me" Iris said. For a few seconds Barry did nothing but then slowly but surely he raised his head.

"I'm fine" he said pulling away from Iris and sitting himself up. Then using both hands he began to wipe away his tears. He proceeded after to stand up and dust himself off as if nothing had just happened

"Wait, Barry let's talk about this" Iris said trying to pull him back down. He was obviously trying to avoid the fact that he had just broken down, which made her think this wasn't the first time he cried like this.

Barry shrugged while wiping his eyes once again "there's nothing to talk about. It's stupid" he muttered while Iris stood up as well.

"Please, talk to me Barry" she begged.

"You wouldn't understand" he replied. "No one would ever understand".

Star City

"What do you think John would say about all this?" Felicity asked as her and Oliver sat together on the train heading to Central City. "About Barry, I mean" she added.

"He's never understood metahumans or anything Barry does but I'd think he'd understand what Barry was going through" Oliver replied.

"Are we doing the right thing?" Felicity asked. "What if I over exaggerated? We could just go back right now..." Felicity said quickly.

"You showed me the security footage from that night, I saw his scars, I saw the look on his face. He's hurting himself because he thinks he deserves it, Felicity he needs our help right now, he needs your help" Oliver said and it was true, at first Felicity had been reluctant to show him the tape, she had felt like she was invading in Barry's privacy. But after some convincing she had shown him.

"Barry's never going to trust me again after this. He's going to hate me and blame me" Felicity said sadly her eyes suddenly felt wet as she stared out the window.

"At first he will" Oliver agreed. "But once he's better, once he's thinking clearly I think he'll actually thank you for saving his life".

"But what if we're too late? This has been going on for weeks before he came to me" Felicity said.

"What if he's too far gone?"

 **Ok I promise next chapter we will get some Oliver/ Barry scenes and will be way longer then this chapter** **(hopefully). Anyways, please leave reviews and follow!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok I lied, I know I said that there'd be Barry/Oliver scenes in this chapter but then I realized that I had much more to write before that happens, BUT I swear it will happen (most likely next chapter).**

 **Also WARNING for this chapter: it gets a bit gory at some parts**

 **but anyways please like and leave COMMENTS, they make me really happy!**

Barry never did it when he was at home, he didn't want to taint Joe's house with his patheticness. He was disgusting, revolting. Barry was the person who ruined people's lives because of his own selfishness. He knew that now. After Dante, after Caitlyn getting powers, and baby Sara. Everyone he came in contact with ends up being destroyed by him. He needed to feel all the pain that he caused to everyone else. Cisco kept telling him he deserved to die and Barry agreed. So when the rest of Team Flash left Star Labs at night Barry stayed behind, excusing himself to go train and that he'd be home later.

Barry then went to the bathroom and locked the door, just in case. He stood over one of the many sinks and looked at himself in the mirror.

 _You deserve this_. He thought, remembering the look of hatred on Cisco's face when he had failed to catch the meta earlier that day. He was a failure, and failures had to get punished.

Then with one hand he held up a sharp razor and spread out his other arm.

He lowered the razor and moved it along his arm in a straight line, cutting into his skin and drawing blood. Barry couldn't help but let out a small cry of pain but quickly stopped himself. This is what he needed to feel.

Or did he?

One side of his brain told him to keep going while the other told him to stop hurting himself like this.

But then slowly he lowered the razor again and made another cut.

* * *

"Well, you called us all here and for what exactly?" Cisco asked Oliver with his arms crossed. It was past midnight on a random Tuesday when him and Felicity had told all of Team Flash to meet at Joe's house, and telling them that this was an important matter.

Oliver found himself not being able to fully look at Cisco after hearing everything he'd done to Barry, and one look at Felicity and it was obvious that she was feeling the same way.

"This is about Barry" Oliver said.

"Of course it is. What about him?" Cisco asked as if already bored with this conversation.

"Did something happen?" Joe asked. "Is he okay?"

"Where is Barry now?" Felicity asked.

"Star Labs" Caitlyn answered. "He's been staying late there almost every night to train, he says he needs to clear his head" she said thinking about Cisco yelling at him almost everyday.

"To train? How long has he been doing that?" Oliver asked.

"For a little over a month" Caitlyn replied.

"Ever since Flashpoint, he's probably been trying to avoid you guys". Felicity muttered, looking towards Oliver.

"You know about Flashpoint?" Iris asked. "How?"

Oliver then took a deep breath, knowing that this was never going to get any easier to tell the truth to Barry's family.

"There's something you all need to know, and it's the reason why me and Felicity came to Central City" Oliver started but then paused, feeling that he wasn't the right the person to tell them this information.

He looked towards Felicity once more and she seemed to understand what he wanted.

"Barry...he's not okay" She began, struggling to find the right words. "He's been really...hard on himself about what happened with Flashpoint" she looked towards Cisco when she said this. "He told me everything".

"Then you know what happened with my brother, you know that he's responsible for my brother's death?" He asked.

"I do know what happened but I also know that it's not Barry's fault, he made a mistake, but that doesn't mean he was the one that killed him" Felicity said.

"But-" Cisco started but she cut him off.

"I also know that whatever hate you may be feeling for Barry, it's nothing like the hate he's been feeling for himself!" Felicity didn't mean to yell, but all her frustration at Cisco for making Barry want to do those awful things to himself got out.

The whole room became quiet, then Iris spoke up. "What are you talking about, Felicity?" She asked thinking of Barry sobbing in the speedlab earlier that day.

"You guys don't know. Of course none of you would pay attention, to your best friend" she gestured to Cisco and Caitlyn. "Or your son, or brother" now looking at Joe, Iris and Wally.

"Know what?" Caitlyn asked, wanting to hear the truth.

"That Barry's been hurting himself" Felicity finally got out. The silence that followed was so deafening that you could've heard a pin drop. Everyone was trying to process what Felicity had just said. Barry, hurting himself? He'd never do that.

"How do you know?" Cisco asked surprisingly being the first one to break the silence. Although this time his tone was different then before, instead of angry and annoyed he sounded concerned, almost nervous.

"Barry came to me last week, he showed me his scars that he has on both of his arms, scars that he made himself. He said that everything was too much, he couldn't take the guilt anymore. Seeing you everyday Cisco, I don't think he could handle it anymore. He just broke" she finished sadly.

"So he's been hurting himself everyday...because of me?" Cisco said more to himself then to others. "I need to go find him" he said quickly thinking of Barry in Star Labs right now, when suddenly he got hit with a vibe.

He saw Barry, he was standing over a blood filled sink with tears running down his cheeks. Both of his arms were spread out wide over the sink as he watched the blood flow from his many wounds. Then he collapsed, on the floor unconscious.

Suddenly Cisco was pulled out from his vision and he looked around the room to all the people who were all staring at him.

"Cisco what did you see?" Caitlyn asked.

"Was it Barry?" He nodded.

"We need to get to Star Labs now, Barry's in trouble".


	4. Chapter 4

**ok, like I promised, there is a Barry and Oliver scene, plus this is longest chapter yet so enjoy!**

"I need bandages now, Cisco!" Caitlyn yelled as she wheeled a stretcher towards Oliver who was holding Barry's limp body in his hands, his clothes soaked with the speedsters blood. The moment Oliver had carefully layed him down, Caitlyn was pushing him off to the medical bay.

"Felicity quickly turn on the heart monitor, Iris I need you to help with the IV" Caitlyn then bent down and placed to fingers along a vain in Barry's neck hoping to feel a steady beat but instead he was cold.

"What's going on?" Joe asked worriedly.

"He doesn't have a pulse. Come on Barry" She said as she began to do chest compressions.

"Cisco I need the defibrillator" she said, while cutting open his blood soaked shirt while placing a wire upon his chest and turning on the heart monitor. Caitlyn glanced at the screen upon the wall which played out one long high pitched tone, still no heart rhythtm.

Cisco then passed her two pads which she proceeded to place on Barry's chest, one on each side.

"Ready charging in three, two, one!" Cisco yelled pressing down the button on the machine. They all stared at Barry as his body was forced up for a moment by the electric shock his heart just received but then fell back as limp as ever on the bed, his heart beat inexistent.

"Again!" Caitlyn yelled.

"Charging in three, two, one!" Cisco yelled again and he saw out of the corner of his eye, Felicity sobbing onto Oliver's chest, even the Green Arrow himself seemed to be teary eyed.

Suddenly the heart monitor began to beep loudly with a steady beat and Caitlyn herself let out a cry of joy, but then she stopped herself, right now she was his doctor and Barry wasn't out of the woods yet. His face was sickly pale and he'd lost so much blood already that she feared his accelerated healing wouldn't do him any good now. His cells needed blood to regenerate.

"Everyone besides Cisco, please wait outside" Caitlyn said aloud to the room. "There's still a lot of work to do and it will be a long night. Slowly Oliver and Felicity walked to the cortex followed by Joe, Iris, and then Wally. Everyone looked shell shocked and no one knew exactly what to say after what they'd just all witnessed.

"I didn't think he'd go this far" Felicity admitted.

"None of us could've ever thought this" Oliver told her.

It was true, it could've been any other night that the speedster decided to go to far, but that didn't end up happening until tonight.

"What do we do now though, when Barry wakes up, we can't just pretend this didn't just happen" Wally said, speaking up. It was like the storm had passed but the damage was still here.

"Of course not" Joe said, Barry's going to need all of our help to get through this and we're going to give it him".

That night Barry flatlined twice, both times Caitlyn was almost unable to bring him back but in the end his heart was still beating. Everyone barely slept, all of them too worried about their friend in the next room, but there's was nothing anyone could do until he woke up in the morning.

The first thought that went through Barry's mind when he woke up was that he wasn't dead. He was in Star Labs, lying on a bed, both his forearms layered in white bandages. Truthfully he didn't remember most of the night before after the cuts started getting extremely deep and the blood loss was too great but by that time he couldn't stop, he had to keep going, that's when everything had went black.

Barry tried to move, but his wrists were handcuffed to the metal bed frame. Barry started to panic, trying desperately to free himself from these restraints. He didn't want to face his friends right now. He couldn't, they would hate him now, even more then they already did. And Cisco... no he had to escape now.

"Barry, please don't do that" he heard a voice coming from the corner of the room. He hadn't even realized she had been sitting there watching him the entire time, Iris had been quiet.

Barry tried to use his powers to faze through the cuffs but something was blocking his speed. He pulled again and again trying to somehow to free his hands but all he did was cause the handcuffs to cut into his wrists leaving red marks.

"Stop! Your going to hurt yourself again, Barry" Iris yelled as she tried to hold him down. "Caitlyn!" She called out, needing the doctor's assistance immediately. Iris then heard footsteps running down the halls towards them

"Barry stop!" Caitlyn yelled, running into the room.

"Please stop or I'll sedate you" she warned. Barry paused his attempt to fight the restraints for a moment to look up at her.

"You can't, I'll burn right through it" Barry tested her, then letting his arms lay limply at his side. Caitlyn immediately bent down to see the damage he had done to himself.

"Oh Barry..." Caitlyn barely whispered, looking at his bruised wrists. She turned to look at Iris for explanation.

"He woke up, and he... just wouldn't stop. I told you restraints wouldn't a good idea" she told her as if Barry wasn't even in the room.

"Caitlyn, what the hell? You guys agreed to chain me here?" he asked shaking the cuffs and banging them against the metal bed frame.

"We were scared, that when you woke up you would try..." but Caitlyn didn't finish the sentence. Both her, Barry and Iris all knew what she meant.

"Please Cait, I need you to take them off" he begged but she shook her head sadly. But then taking a small glance at Iris Caitlyn reached into her white doctor's coat and pulled out a tiny metal key, which she placed into the lock of the left handcuff and within an instance it clicked open, freeing his wrist.

"The other one we leave on Barry, I'm sorry" she said.

"So now I'm on suicide watch? I'm a prisoner to this damn room?" He asked angrily. "Why couldn't you just let me die? I deserved to die" but Caitlyn and Iris could both hear his voice break as he said these words.

Caitlyn shook her head once more again but could find the right words to tell him, then both she and Iris began to walk out.

Oliver was the first person to come in after that, which was a surprise to Barry. "Ollie?" Barry asked, as he tried to sit up in bed. "They told you?" He asked, looking down.

"Actually I told them. You know you died nearly three times last night, Barry?" Oliver asked but Barry didn't respond.

"Your family had to watch you flatline three times. Do you think they deserved that?" He asked.

"It was Felicity, wasn't it? She was the one that told you about me?" Barry asked him knowing that she was the only person he told.

"She saved your life Barry" Oliver responded.

"I didn't need saving" Barry told him. And then there was silence.

"Let me ask you something Barry: Say it worked, say that you succeeded last night, and died, the what?" He asked.

"It would've been over" Barry answered immediately.

"For you" Ollie replied. "But for the rest of your family, they would spend the rest of their lives blaming themselves for your death, for them the pain would never end" Oliver said.

"They wouldn't care if I died" Barry said but even he didn't believe his own words when he said them.

"I think we both no that's not true" Oliver replied with a sad smile.

"Ollie, I'm supposed to be a hero, but all I do is screw things up for everyone around me" Barry said

"Barry" Oliver started. "You need to stop beating yourself up over this" he told him.

"I'm sorry but how can't you say that?" Barry asked, annoyed. "I'm the one responsible for all of this" he gestured to the room around him.

"You created Flashpoint, because you wanted to see your parents again. Do you honestly know anyone that, if they were in your shoes, or in this case super suit, wouldn't do the exact same thing?" Oliver asked.

"I would do the same thing. And who knows, maybe Cisco's brother would've gotten killed anyways or Caitlyn had powers the whole time but she just didn't know it. The world isn't different because you changed the timeline. You're not a god Barry. You're the Flash" and then Oliver got up from his seat and gave Barry a comforting pat on the shoulder. "Get some rest Barry".

"How is he?" Joe immediately asked Oliver as he walked into the cortex.

"Alive" Oliver answered.

"He'll need time to heal" Caitlyn said standing up.

"Guys, there's something you all need to hear, especially you, joe". She began to tell everyone the room, obviously she had been waiting for Oliver to return. "The scans I took of Barry's body last night, well I was able to look them over and... they showed that some of his scars were older then others" she said.

"Felicity said that he'd been doing this for weeks" Joe replied shrugging off what Caitlyn had just said.

"No, you misunderstood me" Then she paused and looked straight at him. "Joe has Barry ever been self harmful before all this?" She asked.

"Of course not, what are you talking about" Joe asked nervously.

"Some of the scars, they're years old. Barry's done this before".

 **Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, it took a while to finish. The Barry/Oliver scene was probably the most difficult to write and I ended up using a few lines from the crossover episode because it fit in really well.**

 **anyways, please like this story and LEAVE REVIEWS, seriously they make me really awesome to read.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Ok, bit of a shorter chapter this week. This chapter is basically all Flash but next time I'll bring back maybe Oliver or Felicity. I also decided to bring Julian into the story, so I hope you guys like it. Warning, it gets a bit depressing but as things in real life happen especially with mental illness, sometimes things can get worse before they get better.**

Over the next few weeks Barry always felt a pair of eyes watching at every moment. At the station it was Joe, always making an excuse to go talk to his adoptive son in his lab. At home it was Iris, and occasionally Wally and Joe again. At Star Labs it would've been Caitlyn and Cisco following his every move, if he would actually go in to the place, but he made sure to avoid it. Oliver and Felicity had gone back to Star City the day after Barry woke up, seeing as Oliver was the mayor they couldn't have stayed long, but they wished they could've.

The Flash hadn't been sighted for weeks now and Central City was starting to take notice. Every time there was a new meta attack the superhero's name would always be mentioned, sometimes not in the nicest ways. Some people were blaming him for the increasing crime rate in Central City while others were simply curious on where the scarlet speedster had gone. But every time Barry thought about putting back on the suit and fighting crime again he would suddenly be overcome with fear of what would happen if he failed like before.

" _Can't you do nothing right_?!" He would hear Cisco's voice screaming in his head. He couldn't be a hero again if he never was one to begin with.

"Hey Bar!" Joe said smiling as walked through the forensics lab in CCPD. "Julian" he nodded.

"Good afternoon detective" Julian said while barely looking up from the rather large stack of papers on his desk.

"Hey Joe" Barry said as upbeat as he could, he had been trying to show everyone was that he was completely okay when inside he was a mess.

"Brought you lunch" Joe said handing him a brown paper bag. "And I know I don't have to do this but I wanted to" he said as if he read Barry's mind. These past few weeks this had become a regular thing, Joe checking up on Barry while Barry pretended he had know idea what was really going on. But honestly Barry knew. It was suicide watch, what Joe was doing. Caitlyn probably put him up to it.

Just then Joe's phone rang. "I gotta go Bar, it's Cecile, she wants me downstairs but I'll see you later ok" then he left. Barry watched as Joe was completely out of sight then he let out a sigh and walked straight to the garbage can in the far corner of the room and tossed the paper bag in the trash. He never ate what Joe gave him, he never really ate much these days at all, couldn't bring himself to.

"I don't know what's going on with you Allen, but you are a terrible liar" Julian said his eyes now raised from his work.

"What are you talking about?" Barry said innocently as if he just hadn't dumped a perfectly good lunch in the trash.

"You act like you're fine and people believe you because they want to, but not me. I see through your little act. I know you're not well, Barry" Julian let out which caught Barry by surprise, he never called him by his first name,ever.

"What are you talking about?" Barry asked, now a bit nervous. Even though he hadn't gone back to Star Labs Joe and everyone else thought he was getting better. Barry would make sure to smile or crack a few jokes ever since being released by Caitlyn to go home. At first it had been terrifying for all of his friends and family to let him out of their sight but slowly it got easier as Barry promised he wouldn't hurt himself again, though that promise wasn't always so easy to keep.

"I know you're ill, Allen" Julian said.

"Have you seen me coughing?" Barry asked harshly.

"You know what I mean. I see it in your eyes, your body as well" Julian gestured to Barrys skinny figure. "That's quite a bit of weight you've lost in a few weeks Allen isn't it?" He asked.

"That's none of your business" Barry said.

"Maybe not, but if something is going on with you don't you think the Captain should know if one of his employees is sick?" Julian asked and Barry's eyes suddenly widened with fear.

"You can't tell him, you can't tell anybody, okay?" He asked. "They think I'm getting better..." Barry said a bit quieter, hoping Julian wouldn't hear.

"When obviously you're not. I know what depression looks like, Allen" Julian responded his voice sounding softer then Barry had ever heard it.

"How would you know?" Barry asked, his arms crossed like a child.

"Believe me, I have experience" then Julian stood up from his desk and moved his chair closer to Barry. "I'm not going to tell anyone, but if this continues, if this gets out of hand" he gestured to the trash where Barry's uneaten lunch had gone. "Detective West will be the first to know". And then Julian got up once more and went straight back to his desk as if the conversation had never happened.

The rest of the day Julian didn't mention anything to Barry about what they had talked about and by seven o'clock Barry was out the door before anything could be said. He wanted to get out of the precinct quickly, knowing that if Joe saw him he would offer his son a ride, which would lead to yet another talk about Barry's feelings and current emotional state. So, quietly he exited out the back and began running the moment he was outside, the wind rushing through his hair, lightning sparked at his side. He went around the city twice and was going to go once more when the world went black and Barry felt himself fall. Before he could even open his eyes he heard voices. "...Call an ambulance" someone said, the words blurring together in Barry's mind.

"What happened?" Asked another.

"Fainted?" the first one responded and instantly Barry's eyes snapped open. He was lying on the sidewalk and his whole body felt sore as if he had just run into a brick wall, his head getting the worst of the pain. Barry put a hand up to his hair but was shocked when it came back wet and sticky and red. He looked up and saw that three people stood over him, looking worried. A man and women holding hands and a girl who looked no more then twenty who had been jogging. Barry then quickly got to his feet, which was a mistake as he immediately felt as if the world was falling apart around him.

"The ambulance is coming, you look like you fell pretty hard" the girl said, trying to put an hand on Barry's arm but he had disappeared before she could, running at normal speed down the block. "Hey wait!" She called but he was already gone.

After Barry had turned the corner he then resumed using his super speed to get away. His balance was off as he ran but he tried to keep himself steady.

"Oh God" he said to himself. Caitlyn and Joe and Iris they were all going to kill him. Not eating and then getting collapsing while running, then getting a concussion. No, they didn't have to know. He just wouldn't tell them.

"Where is he?" Joe asked as he circled the kitchen, walking back and forth out of nervousness. It was past eight and Barry still wasn't home, sure he wasn't a teenager and could be out as late as he wanted but these past few weeks had been different.

"I'm sure he'll be back soon, and don't give him a hard time, dad. You know Barry hates it when you go all overprotective on him. He'll close himself off" Iris responded as she sat at the dining room table with her laptop in front of her. Just then the front door opened and Iris heard footsteps going up the stairs.

"Barry!" Iris said as she and her father run towards him. He stopped halfway up the stairs but didn't turn to face them, his sweatshirt hood covered the back of his hair.

"Bar, are you okay?" Joe asked.

"Yeah I'm fine" Barry said. "Just went for a run" then he continued up the stairs into his bedroom, the door slamming behind him.

"Something's wrong" Iris said and Joe nodded, he eyes still looking at the steps where Barry had stood.

 **Hope you guys enjoyed, please like this story and LEAVE REVIEWS!**


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm going to go talk to him" Joe said after him and Iris had just spent a half an hour talking about what to do with Barry. He then stood up from the couch and begun to walk towards the steps. But Iris stood up as well and put her hand out, blocking her father.

"No Dad" she said. "Let me" and slowly knowing that she'd have a better chance getting Barry to open up then her father would.

So quietly she climbed the stairs and walked down the hallway until she was standing in front Barry's door. She heard movement coming from inside, and was that her imagination or did she hear crying as well? Then she heard him speak.

"Felicity, you don't understand. No one can help me" she heard him sob, it was obvious he was having a very emotional phone call to their friend in Star City.

"Barry" Iris barely whispered as her right hand lightly tapped the door. "Did something happen? Are you okay?" She asked as she leaned her head along the wood trying to hear him better.

"I got to go Felicity" Barry muttered, now much quieter so Iris could barely hear. Iris then heard him put down his phone. "Go away" he said.

"Let me in, Bar. Please? My dad isn't here" Iris said softly as she whipped her head around to look behind her and saw only the empty hallway behind her.

For a few seconds there was silence between the two of them, then slowly Iris heard the knob turn and she stood up straight to see Barry standing in the open doorway his face streaked with tears and his eyes bloodshot. But what caught Iris's attention the most was the massive bruise on the left side of his forehead, covered in dry blood.

"Oh Barry..." Iris said as tears began streaming down her own cheeks. Then without much restraint she flung herself at him, wrapping her arms around his body. She gasped when she realized how little there was to wrap around, she could easily feel the bones through his Star Labs sweatshirt. Barry had always been very thin and bony, but not like this, she knew instantly that this wasn't a coincidence that he'd been wearing baggy sweatshirts a lot lately. He was trying to hide the weight loss. Barry had tried to block the hug by pushing her away knowing that no amount of layers of clothing could block the damage he was doing to his body but it was too late, she knew.

" What happened?" She asked, forgetting everything she had planned to say to him about coming home late and making their dad worry. Barry then took hold of her wrist and pulled her into his room and slammed the door shut.

"Iris, I can explain" Barry said so rapidly that Iris barely heard what he said.

"Explain what, Barry?" Iris asked. "Why you came home late and what you did to your head or that you haven't been okay lately?" She said.

"I was running, trying to clear my head and I collapsed. I woke up on the sidewalk, I just got away before the ambulance showed up" He said, not realizing that he had begun to sway. Iris put her hand on his shoulder and carefully pushed him onto the bed.

"I think you might have a concussion, Barry. I'm calling Caitlyn" Iris said, reaching in her pocket for her cell phone. But before she could dial Barry grabbed the phone from her hands. "Barry!" Iris exclaimed.

"No, you can't tell her. This was an accident, a one time thing, I promise" he begged, he could get everyone worried about him again.

"It's not just your head, Barry. You've been starving yourself" She said gesturing to his bony figure and then suddenly her eyes widened with fear. "You haven't been...hurting yourself again, cutting yourself, have you?" She asked fearfully. They couldn't go through all that again, it was too horrible to see Barry almost bleed to death the first time, but the fact that he has been hurting himself a different way this time by not eating, that was just as bad.

"Iris. No, I swear I haven't" Barry told her although he knew it was a lie. But he never had meant to, he didn't want to do it. It had happened last week. He had been alone in the West house and he had been overcome with such hatred for himself that he needed to do something. He had thought of all the pain he'd caused Cisco by losing his brother and made that his motivation as he held the razor over his skin. There hadn't been too much blood this time, he had made sure of it. But Barry hadn't told anyone, for obvious reasons. He had been talking to Felicity a lot on the phone, though. About how he'd been feeling lately, but Barry had sworn to her as well that he hadn't hurt himself... in that way.

"Why haven't you been eating?" Iris asked, as she sat down next to him on the bed. She remembered how in high school almost every girl wanted to starve themselves to be pretty, she had never done it but she had known a few friends that had gotten sick because of it. Now as Iris sat here thinking about her adoptive brother, her best friend having the same mindset, she couldn't imagine why Barry would want to not eat, then again she never had imagined that Barry would cut himself either...

At first Barry was quiet, he looked down at his shoes instead of catching Iris's gaze. But then he spoke. "I can't, Iris" he admitted. "I don't want to. I don't want to do much of anything lately" Barry told her, slowly lifting his head to see her big brown eyes staring back at him.

"You haven't told us about any of this" Iris said.

"How could I, you're all so happy that I'm getting back to normal" Barry said.

"We were all happy, because we thought that you were starting to be happy again. Ever since Flashpoint it's like you've been a ghost, like it wasn't even you that was there. But then you started smiling again and we all felt like maybe we were getting you back" Iris said.

"Sorry to disappoint you" Barry said sadly.

"So instead of coming to your family about all this, you've been talking to Felicity?" Iris said, shifting the conversation over before Barry would start closing himself off. He did that a lot, when they tried being to overprotective or to personal.

"Yeah, sometimes I just needed someone to talk to" Barry said.

"You could've talked to me. I was always here" Iris said sadly and he instantly regretted his choice of words. "Wait, do you...like her?" She asked.

"What no! Iris this isn't what this is about. I just needed someone to talk to, someone that I wouldn't have to look in the eye everyday. I know, I should've come to you first, I'm sorry". Barry muttered.

"Yes you should've. Barry we've been best friends since we were little, you know I've always been here for you, and I'll always be here for you" Iris told him as she slowly shifted her body closer to him.

"I know" he said.

"And no matter what happens, you need to know that you can trust me. That you can come to me about anything, I care about you, Barry".

This time it was Barry that moved closer, his hand reached up to touch her cheek.

"You do?" Barry asked softly and then he leaned forward and she did too. Their lips met and Barry felt a shiver go down his spine. This was their first real kiss, seeing as the last two never happened, which was his fault as he tried not remind himself.

Finally they broke apart and Barry felt himself feeling emotion that he hadn't been in weeks.

"If you want us to be together" Iris began. "You need to let yourself get help" she then reached her hand up to touch his forehead and Barry flinched. Iris then picked up her cell phone once more and showed the screen to Barry while she lightly tapped it.

"And help starts with calling Caitlyn" then she dialed the number and the phone began to ring.


	7. Chapter 7

**so im apologizing in advance for how short this chapter is but I'm going to summer camp tomorrow and I wanted to get this out.**

"Ok Barry, lift up your shirt for me" Caitlyn said, a stethoscope in her right hand, she had just received a desperate phone call from Iris saying that Barry was sick. Barry however stayed quiet still, his hands clenched on the metal bed frame where he sat.

"You know what, I think this was a mistake. I'm just gonna go-" he muttered rapidly as he tried to get up but was immediately pushed back down by the female doctor, her arms now crossed. Iris stood in the corner watching, she hadn't told her dad or Wally yet so it was only her, Caitlyn and Cisco in Star Labs at the moment.

"Barry, you agreed to come here to get help" Iris said.

"Well technically I didn't agree...exactly. More like you made me..." He muttered under his breath.

"Dude, come on just let yourself get a check up. It won't be so bad" Cisco said, his voice making Barry jump in the slightest. That was the voice for his nightmares, yet also his motivation, the reason for his self inflicted pain. Barry tried to look at Ciscos face, to see the hatred for himself etched upon it like normal, but it appeared that he was avoiding Barry's gaze.

"I can't be here" Barry said, as his breathing began to become rapid and he had to remind himself to take a deep breath, in and out, in and out. He couldn't take off his shirt, then they would see everything that he'd done these past few weeks. Then Iris would tell Joe, Caitlyn would never let him leave, and Cisco would probably whisper to him in the hallway that he deserved more then just a few scratches on his skin.

"You need to let Caitlyn look at you, Barry" Iris said as she walked towards him and put what would have been a comforting hand on his shoulder, if he didn't see right through her. She wanted him to come here at ten o'clock at night to get checked out, not because she wanted to be with him, it was just a dumb ultimatum.

"No, I don't!" Barry said, this time using his super speed to get to the other side of the room. "I'm perfectly fine and I don't need to be here!" Then he raced out, before any one could stop him.

Barry ran straight through the front door of the West house and was upstairs before Joe could ask how late night coffee went with Iris. Barry slammed the door shut of his bedroom and then slid down straight to the floor, wrapping his arms around both his knees. He hated his friends and family, all of them. They didn't understand what he was going through and probably never would...but there was one person who would.

"Allen, to what to do I owe the pleasure?" Julian asked in his very British accent. He didn't exactly sound annoyed at Barry for calling him this late, but he didn't sound happy either.

"Back at the lab, you said you saw it in my eyes, my sickness, my depression and that you knew how it felt. How?" Barry asked, still in the same sitting position on his bedroom floor.

"Barry, I-"

"Please, Julian" but the line stayed silent. "You were right about me, you know, about me not being healthy" Barry told him.

"And did you get help?" Julian suddenly asked.

"Help. I hate that word" Barry paused. "I tried actually, but my family they won't understand, but you might" he said hopefully.

"It was after my girlfriend died" Julian spoke. "Her death, was partially my fault, or at least I felt it was. After that for weeks I couldn't get out of bed and all I wanted to do was die" he said.

"And how'd you get better?" Barry asked desperately.

"I just had to let myself live. I had to stop holding the whole weight of the world on my back. I took antidepressants and eventually I ended getting a new job and moved to America. Barry recovery isn't going to happen overnight but you have to let it start somewhere" Julian said.

"I don't know if I can" Barry said while clutching his cellphone so hard as if it was his lifeline.

"Try. Good night, Allen" and then the phone went dead.

The next morning Barry woke up earlier then usually so he could avoid looking at Iris. She hadn't come back to his room last night after what happened in Star Labs but he knew eventually they would need to talk, but that day didn't need to be today and Barry left the house before Iris had even come down the stairs and he ran off in a flash of lightning. Within seconds he was at CCPD, the first time ever he was actually early for work.

"Mr. Allen, good you're here... and early, that's new" Barry heard Captain Singh say as he walked through the precinct doors.

"Good morning, Captain" He said as the man came towards him.

"Have you been feeling well lately?" Singh asked rather abruptly and Barry's heart began to race.

"Yeah..." Barry said unconvincingly.

"Can I have a word with you in my office, now?" Singh said and as Barry followed him he could've sworn he saw Julian Albert standing on the steps of the precinct staring right back at him.

 **I know that in the show we do get a backstory for Julian when he tells the team about the philosophers stone but I just wanted to but a bit of a shorter backstory here. Obviously Julian wasn't going to start telling Barry his whole life story but he gave him a small part of it just so Barry could feel like he had someone to talk to.**


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm sorry i haven't posted for awhile but I've been busy getting ready for the new school year. Anyways here's a new chapter and enjoy!**

"You've been ill recently" Captain Singh said to Barry not as a question but simply like he was stating a fact.

"Did Julian tell you this?" Barry asked trying his best to remain calm.

"He might have mentioned something about it, Allen. You two share a work space so yes that is something he might have noticed but he's not the only one. I've heard, over the past few weeks from more then a few people that you haven't appeared quite yourself. Have you been getting enough sleep? Do you feel overworked? You don't look like you've been sleeping lately".

"No sir" Barry responded quickly as he wiped his forehead out of nervousness. "I love my job, I always do my best, you know that".

"Yes I do and Allen this isn't about you getting fired. This is about your health and as the boss I think it is my responsibility to make sure all my staff are functioning well" Singh said and then his gaze softened a bit from his former seriousness. "You do know that you are allowed vacation days? And in my opinion, Allen I think you deserve a day off. Take one, get some rest. Eat" Singh finished and Barry took this as his cue to leave. Once he was out of the office Barry breathed a sigh a relief, he had honestly expected something worse that didn't come. But now he knew that it wasn't just Julian that knew, his coworkers were suspicious as well of his mental health issue and this was definitely something he didn't want or need getting out.

Thats when the voice in the back of his head that normally sounded like Cisco came back.

"There you go again making things complicated for everyone around you! Why'd you have to be such a goddamn idiot to think you was doing a good job at hiding all the messed up problems you have right now when obviously everyone knew. You don't deserve to have people worried about you after everything you've done!" Barry leaned against a wall with his hands on his forehead. He needed to get out all his pain in the only way he now knew how.

Barry turned to leave the precinct but stopped at the doorway. He couldn't go back to Star Labs, not now after he'd just stormed out of his voluntary check up, they'd be looking for him with the security cameras. Instead he decided to go back home and sneak in through the back even though he doubted anyone would be home seeing as it was the middle of a work day.

Barry ran as fast as he felt possible for him at the moment. He had no strength to run from his lack of food and sleep so his speed was a bit slower then normal but he still reached the West house within a minute.

He was right that no one was home, no cars were in the drive way and all the window shades were drawn. So quietly Barry went through the backdrop and made his way to the upstairs bathroom where he shut himself in. Then, as he was so used to doing at this point, he pulled out a small sharp razor and lowered it to his arm wondering why the hell was he even still alive.

 **I know this chapter was like super short but I'm hoping that next time will be way longer as I'm planning on adding in the whole four way Crossover into the story.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Its crossover time! Like I said in the last chapter that I'll be adding in the whole four way Crossover from the tv show but please don't worry because this will still be focused completely on Barry and his current mental health. But I really wanted to keep this a little bit canon and bring back Oliver and Felicity and bring in Supergirl and the Legends all of who care about Barry and who will hopefully be able to help him with everything he's going through. Anyways please enjoy!**

Over the next few weeks Barry felt himself slipping away. Every night he wished he wouldn't wake up after he went to sleep and every morning he cursed himself for still being alive. He pretty much lost interest in everything that used to matter to him including being the Flash, well at least that was until the damn Aliens showed up.

Barry had barely come out of his room and let alone talk to his friends despite their constant concern for him when he heard his meta human alarm app on his phone go off. He didn't think much of it seeing as it went off everyday but when the alarm didn't stop ringing Barry couldn't stop himself from being curious. He leaned across his bed where he currently lay and reached for his phone which he hadn't used in days. Ignoring the multiple missed calls he looked towards the now incoming texts from the person he knew hated him most, Cisco.

HELP

DUDE, ALIENS

COME TO SL NOW

Barry's first thought was "What the hell?" But after everything that he'd seen in Central City so far it didn't really surprise him. Then it hit him, if this was an Alien invasion it was the perfect chance for Cisco to try to get him killed. Well, as he opened the door to his bedroom to leave, as always he deserved it.

Within a few seconds he was at Star Labs running straight into the cortex. The entire team was standing around the few tv screens with someone Barry didn't expect to be there, Lyla.

"Barry, you came" she said pointedly with her arms crossed. "Your team warned me you might now show, you don't look well" Lyla added.

"I've heard" Barry replied, his voice rough from lack of use. "What is this about Aliens?" He then asked Cisco trying not to catch his gaze while holding up his phone.

"Yeah about that... Lyla?" Cisco asked the woman wearing the very serious looking pantsuit.

"The government is calling them the Dominators" Lyla said pointing to the screen where an image of sickly looking creatures with very sharp pointed teeth. "Their ship crash landed in an empty field in Central City about an hour ago".

"Great" Barry said sarcastically, as he was now the one with his arms folded.

"We've already called Team Arrow" Caitlyn said.

"And Felicity has contacted the Legends" Cisco added.

"No. I'm not doing this with everyone. Besides I don't Star Labs is a good place to be the headquarters for stopping an Alien Invasion" Barry told them all. He was not in the mood for this turning out to be a pity party on him.

"Oh we're not all meeting here" Caitlyn said. "There's an old airplane hanger that Star Labs owns... or I guess you own it... but we've told everyone to meet us there" he said.

"I don't know about this" Barry said quietly.

"Barry we need you. Everyone needs you" Iris said.

"What so I could just screw up everything again?!" And now he was yelling. "With my luck everyone will just end up dead" Barry said looking straight at Cisco as he said these words.

"Bar..." Joe said.

"I can't" Barry said.

"Barry" Lyla suddenly spoke up, he had almost forgotten she was there. "I don't know what's been going on with you, or your team but this is more important. With these Dominators we're not just talking about Central or Star City were talking about the world. And I know you wouldn't let innocent people die" she said but it just made Barry feel worse seeing as hers was one of lives that he ruined.

"Fine" Barry said stubbornly. "I'll help".

"Thank you" Lyla said before turning back to the rest of the group. "We need as much metahumans as we can for an advantage against the Dominators".

"Wouldn't it be a better advantage if perhaps we were able to beat these guys at their own game?" HR suggested.

"Yeah but too we don't know any good aliens who are willing to fight on our side" Cisco said with clear annoyance towards HR in his voice.

"Actually I do" Barry admitted and all head immediately turned to his direction.


	10. Chapter 10

**So I'm trying to keep this story as canon as possible while still including all of Barry's guilt and self hatred of himself, so I hope you guys enjoy and please leave reviews and tell what you think!**

As Barry told of the story of how he met and became friends with supergirl he found himself looking continuously at Cisco, waiting for him to tell Barry off. Sure he wasn't a little kid but Barry didn't think he could handle being yelled at again.

"So you were able to travel to another earth, spend a whole day there and come back with no time passing in our world at all?" Joe asked.

"I swear I didn't mean to" Barry said nervously.

"We know Bar, it's okay we're not mad" Joe assured him and Barry could swear Cisco was watching him, waiting for his next reaction.

"Yeah and having an alien on our side might give us a real advantage against the Dominators" Lyla said, ignoring whatever obvious thing was going on with Barry. "That is" she added "if you have a way to reach your friend again?".

"See this is why we have Cisco" HR said.

"Are you saying Cisco's a metahuman as well?" Lyla asks curiously.

"I'm not denying it" Cisco answered.

"And I think I should be going, if you have this under control. I have a meeting with the president and I do not want to be late" Lyla said and then she made her way to the exit and left.

The airplane hangar was huge, and Barry couldn't believe he owned it. The team had only arrived at the place moments before but they didn't have to wait long for everyone else to show up, as Team Arrow arrived in their black van not 30 seconds after Team Flash had come.

"Hey Barry!" Felicity said, running out to greet him and then pulling him into a tight hug. Barry managed a small grin that he even he knew looked fake but he kept it plastered on his face anyways as Thea, Oliver, and Diggle came his way.

"How are you man?" John asked, shaking his hand and Barry just nodded, hoping that Oliver and Felicity hadn't told him about everything that had happened.

"This place is huge" Thea exclaimed. "Nice to see you again, Barry" she told him and then went to go join Felicity who was staring up at the sky.

"I thought you said the Legends were coming" Thea asked Felicity.

"They should be...ah! There they are!" Felicity pointed to the flying ship that had appeared out of nowhere. Diggle's mouth dropped open in awe and Felicity laughed "come on, after everything we've seen, this surprises you?" She asked.

Barry had been so busy looking at the flying time ship he hadn't noticed Oliver standing behind him. "Hi Barry" he said.

"Hey Ollie" Barry said with the same fake smile he used with Felicity.

"Drop the act Barry, how are you?" Oliver asked.

"Alive" Barry answered.

"That's not an answer, Bar" Oliver told him.

"Really? Because I think it is" Barry replied as he walked away but he didn't get that far before he heard another voice call his name.

"Barry" he flinched as he heard Cisco coming forward and Barry stopped in his tracks unable to move. "Hey, I was able to track down your friend" Cisco told him. "She's on Earth 38".

"That's great" Barry replied tonelessly.

"Well Come on" he said, but Barry didn't follow.

"No, I think I'll just stay here" Barry replied.

"Oh no, you're coming. It'll be you that this 'Supergirl' will want to talk to. I don't think she'd appreciate a random stranger showing up at her apartment" Cisco told him abc Barry was afraid he'd start yelling at him if he refused again so he just nodded. "Great" Cisco said. Then he put on his special metal goggles and gauntlets and held out one hand. Instantly what looked like a glowing blue black hole began opening in mid air. "Come on" Cisco said then he and Barry walked straight through the portal.

It took a couple of tries but they ended up in a brightly decorated apartment. "This better be the right place" Cisco said taking off the goggles. "Because if this isn't the right place, someone's about to be real confused" and that's when they heard the front door open and Kara Danvers walked through.

"Barry!" She exclaimed and ran forward smiling widely but Kara stopped the moment she got a good look at her friend. "Oh my God" she said sadly as she through herself onto him, squeezing him tight. "You look..." terrible? Awful? Sick? Barry waited for her to choose a word to describe him but it seemed facial expressions were greater than words. "Whose this?" Kara asked as she now notice this Cisco.

"This is...my...um...we work together" Barry mumbled and Kara shook Cisco's hand.

"Barry, its great to see you, but what happened?" Kara asked wondering how her friend could've changed so much for the worst in only a few months. "Why are you here?"

Barry wanted to tell her everything, knowing that Kara would understand and probably be the best person to talk to. He wanted to say that the only reason he came was to talk to her but he couldn't tell her any of this, not with Cisco here. Cisco who was the motivation for Barry's pain and Cisco who's brother he killed and Cisco who now spoke before Barry even got the chance.

"There's a problem. And we need your help".


	11. Chapter 11

**im sad to say that this fanfic will soon end but there is still like three chapters to go until it does. Please read and review and of course, enjoy!**

When Barry, Cisco and now Kara went back through the portal to the airplane hangar it had appeared that everyone was already set up and now waiting for Barry's instructions. The fact that they all wanted to listen to him made Barry feel sick, he didn't deserve their attention, he was just a worthless piece of nothing.

"Barry I thought you were bringing an an alien?" Thea asked unconvinced as she saw Supergirl in her suit.

"She is an alien" Barry said and then Kara flew up to demonstrate her powers.

"Cool" replied Diggle.

"She's hot" Sara Lance noted. "Now what about this alien invasion we're supposed to "be stopping?" She asked and all eyes fell again to Barry and once again he felt uncomfortable with everyone staring.

"They're called the Dominators" John surprisingly spoke up and Barry was grateful . "Lyla told me about them".

"Great. So Barry, what are we doing to stop them?" Ray Palmer asked.

"Why am I suddenly the leader?" Barry asked.

"Well you are the one who brought us all together" Kara offered but it just made Barry feel worse.

"No technically that wasn't me" he told them all.

"Why are trying to back out of all this?" Sara asked.

"I'm not" Barry replied, knowing that he didn't really deserve to be standing with all the heroes anyways.

"It sounds like you are" Mick grunted.

"I swear I'm not" Barry said.

"So be the damn leader and tell us what you think we should do" Sara said.

"Sara!" Oliver yelled. "Would everyone just stop beating up on Barry right now?"

"No one was doing anything Ollie" Thea said.

"Thea stay out of this" Oliver warned.

"Stay out of what Ollie?" Sara asked. "Why Barry suddenly doesn't find himself qualified to lead a group to fight an alien invasion, or why no one is gonna mention why he looks like crap" she said pointing to the scarlet speedster who indeed looked like he'd seen better days.

"Sara, come on" Jefferson said.

"Don't tell you don't see it too?" Sara asked. "Or why Team Flash doesn't look too whole at the moment?"

"What is she talking about, Barry?" Kara asked.

"Yes what is going on? I think if we're gonna all be a team for this then there shouldn't be any secrets" Ray said.

"I think you should tell them" Cisco spoke up. "They're gonna find out eventually" he said.

"Find out about what?" Sara asked.

"That i messed up the timeline" Barry said and then he went on to explain everything about the effects of Flashpoint, while trying to avoid looking at John and Cisco both whose lives Barry changed.

"Barry what the hell?" Sara asked. "You know how careful we have to be to not to change anything when we go back in time?"

"Yeah I-"

"But you thought it was just okay to change time for your own personal needs?"

"You don't understand-"

"I've wanted so many times to go back save Laurel but I never did because I know the repercussions it can have. Barry do you realize how selfish that was?" Sara asked and that's when Barry began yelling.

"Of course I realized that! Don't you know how much I wish I could go back and fix everything?" Barry asked. "The guilt about everything I've done to people I care about has been eating me alive for months! I can barely sleep knowing what I've done, so don't try to tell me that I don't understand the repercussions of my actions because you don't know the half of it!" And then Barry was gone, storming out of the hangar with red bolts of lighting surrounding him as he ran.

"I'm going after him" Oliver said, and then he too was gone.

"You're not mad?" Sara asked Cisco and John knowing what Barry had done to both their family members. John remained silent but Cisco spoke. "I was, really mad in the beginning and I said some things that I wish I could take back. But you have to know that no matter how much hatred you feel about Barry for what he did, trust me he's feeling that for himself but like a million times worse. And all of that pain and hatred, it's eating him alive" Cisco said.


	12. Chapter 12

"Barry?" Oliver asked as he walked down the empty halls of Star Labs, hoping that this visit would end better then his last one. The place was quiet but Oliver could tell someone was here so he made his way to each floor searching for the scarlet speedster. Finally when the elevator door opened for a third time Oliver heard huge gusts of wind, like a tornado coming from a room ahead.

When he reached the room Oliver couldn't help but be impressed, looking at the huge track the was spread throughout. It was not surprising that the Flash was there, running around continuously.

"Barry!" Oliver called out again and this time he stopped running and appeared in front of Oliver, completely out of breath.

"Hey" Barry said, almost casually.

"Are you okay?" Oliver asked.

"I'm..." but Barry didn't feel like lying.

"Of course your not. Barry you look even worse then the last time I was here" Oliver told him.

"Thanks, Ollie". Barry replied grimly.

"Bar, you can't keep tearing yourself apart like this! It's not-"

"Healthy? Safe?" Barry asked. "You think I don't know that? I can't stop! But I deserve all this, you saw how everyone reacted"

"And you think that if they all found out how much you've been taking your guilt out on yourself, that they'd be okay with it?" Oliver asked.

"They'd probably tell me to do it harder" Barry muttered, thinking of Cisco.

"Listen to yourself, Barry!" Oliver yelled. "You haven't stopped have you?" He then asked.

"I have been listening, not just to me but to everyone around me" Barry said, ignoring the second question. "Now lets go stop some damn Aliens" He told Oliver before speeding out.

Over the next few days Barry remained quiet, helping to fight the Dominators with the rest but stayed on the sidelines as if he didn't want to screw things up for everyone. Sara had apologized what she had said to Barry and John told him he wasn't mad, but Barry knew they were all lying, and secretly they all hated him too, just like Cisco. He'd messed up all their lives and Barry knew it was his fault but he couldn't ever fix his mistakes. Barry should've know that the alien invasion would ended being his fault as well.

After him and Oliver had saved their friends from being controlled by the Dominators and Oliver, Digg, Thea and Sara had returned from the alien ship itself Barry had begun to get the slightest bit of hope that they would win this thing. And that's when the aliens blamed him. By time traveling back in time and changing the past he had pissed them off and they now saw metahumans as a threat and wanted to kill them all and take over Earth, unless of course, they were given the Flash.

Barry wasn't surprised and to be honest he thought it was a fair price, but his friends didn't think so.

"Barry, you're not actually thinking of sacrificing yourself are you?" Felicity asked nervously, but one look from him told her he was. "No, you can't".

"Of course, I can and I will. My life is not worth loosing anyone else" Barry told them all.

"You don't think you're life isn't worth anything, Barry?" John asked.

"Not after everything I did" Barry said and then he began to walk way.

"You think this is your punishment, do you?" Cisco asked from behind him. "No you don't deserve this" and Barry couldn't help himself but turn around to face him.

"I would think you would've been excited to see me die" Barry said and Cisco's eyes were full of tears.

"You think I want you dead?" Cisco asked sadly as he thought back to all the cruel things he had said to Barry after Flashpoint not realizing that he'd be the one to tear him apart.

"I killed your brother".

"No, you didn't man, and I'm so sorry. I made you feel like you were complete crap when I was supposed to be your friend, and stop saying you deserved it because no one deserves to feel like that. And there is no way in hell that I'm letting you walk out of here" Cisco said, walking up to Barry and throwing his arms around him in a huge bear hug. Barry didn't know what to think, here was Cisco who hated him for months now saying that he was his best friend. The voice in the back of his mind that usually made him hurt himself was telling him that Cisco was lying, apologizing in front of everyone as a show. But Barry knew that he'd been using Cisco as excuse in his mind to hurt himself, hearing Ciscos voice in his head before he would take out the knife. But Barry didn't want to listen to that voice anymore, he was done feeling like crap.

Barry wrapped his arms around Cisco tightly not wanting to let go. He expected to suddenly feel different or changed after Cisco had forgiven him but he knew that scars didn't go away like that and he still had a lot to heal and a lot more secrets to hide.

As Barry and Cisco broke apart, Barry now looked to the group not knowing what to say, but thankfully Cisco spoke instead

"Now how about we go kick some alien ass!"


	13. Chapter 13

Everyone thought Barry was ok. He had hugged it out with Cisco and helped defeat the Dominators, and now he was even smiling and drinking with all his friends. But inside Barry was still suffering, his depression and self hatred remained. Sure it was good to be on speaking terms with Cisco, but Barry still couldn't help flinching every time he came close. An apology wasn't going to erase the memories, it wasn't going to take away the pain and it definitely wouldn't take away the scars. But Barry had to keep reminding himself that he couldn't blame all the scars on his 'friend'. After all some of them were years old, so faded that sometimes Barry even forgot they were there and he swore to himself that his team would never find out. He would go back to work the next day, pretend like everything was absolutely fantastic and...

No! Barry thought. He hated this! He wasn't going to start keeping secrets again, he needed to come clean. These lies he kept telling himself and everyone else had to end.

So after everyone had gone home, Supergirl to Earth-38, Legends to their Time ship and Team Arrow to Star City, Barry called Iris and Joe to come meet him at the house.

"What's going on Bar?" Joe asked as he came through the door, followed by Iris who looked worried.

"I'm done lying to you guys and to myself. Cisco's apology only made me see that more" Barry said. And then he began to tell them everything.

How it had started in junior high. His mother had just been killed and his father convicted of being a murderer, no one knew what to think of Barry. But kids can be cruel as well as adults and the mean things Barry would hear as he walked down the hallways with Iris, they weren't very nice. Barry would cry himself to sleep at night dreading to go to school the next day, wondering what new torture his classmates would think up.

Then one night he just couldn't take it anymore, Barry went into the bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet, planning to down as much pills as he could, but then he saw the razor. It was sitting next to the sink, still wet, probably from when Joe had used it. Barry had looked at the sharp edges and felt so tempted he could stop himself. He went to sleep that night with his left arm wrapped in bandages, hoping it wouldn't bleed through.

Barry remembered how in the morning Joe asked him and Iris if they had seen his razor and then joked about how if Barry took it he was too young to shave, being only twelve. And convincingly Barry laughed along. Joe had to buy a new razor as Barry had never given it back.

By the time Barry entered high school he was happier and he wasn't hurting himself anymore, kids were still mean but Barry didn't mind as much, he had Iris and other friends to get his through.

Barry had gone years being clean until a few months ago when he returned from Flashpoint. Having his best friends hate on him the way they did hit Barry hard and he needed a way to cope. That's where the cutting began once more.

Throughout Barry's whole story Joe and Iris had remained quiet sitting on the sofa and listening intently. But when he finished Barry could see both their faces were streaked with tears.

"I'm so sorry Bar" Joe said sadly. "I never knew what you were going through" he cried.

"Don't be sorry, Joe" Barry told him and he couldn't help himself as tears streamed down his face as well.

"I was supposed to be your father, what kind a parent doesn't notice their child is in pain?" Joe sobbed.

"You were...are, an amazing dad" Barry reassured him and then he looked towards Iris who still hadn't said anything. For a moment Barry thought that she'd be extremely mad with him but instead she got up off the couch and wrapped her arms around Barry and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"That was really brave, Barry. For telling us everything, I know that must've been hard for you" she said.

"Actually" Barry said and for some reason he couldn't stop the tears that were pouring down his face now. "You have no idea how could if feels" and then Barry smiled, a real smile that for once, had nothing to hide.


	14. Chapter 14

**So i realized I never properly finished this story, so here is a short epilogue just to end it off.**

"And so we use the struggles in our past to leap forward and become stronger in the future!" Jacob said loudly, extending his hands to the group. Barry looked at him, gave an awkward smile as he looked to the people that sat around him. He had been going to this group therapy for three weeks, and Jacob the therapy leader, a thirty two year old who was a bit of a hippy with his long dirty blonde dreadlocks and torn brown sandals, gave the same speech at the end of every one of their sessions. He wasn't Barry's favorite person in the world, but he was a nice guy.

It had taken a bit of convincing, for Barry to even agree to go to a group therapy session, seeing as he would probably be the only guy in his late twenties there but surprisingly he wasn't as alone as he thought. The ages in the group ranged from 14 to 29, not counting Jacob and everyone had gone through their own battle of mental illness. Jessie, the twenty three year old brunette who normally sat on Barry's left had the same self harm feelings he had had and Riker, the one guy in the group older than Barry with jet black hair and leather went through a dark stage of depression after his parents had been killed in a car crash. It had taken a few days before Barry himself had opened himself up to the group and he knew from others reactions that he wasn't alone.

He had told Felicity that he wasnt mad anymore about her telling everyone what he was going through and that even though it had taken a while for him to see it, he was greatful.

Joe and Iris had begun to see a huge difference in Barry since he started therapy, he smiled more, joked more and looked like the light had come back into his eyes. But they still didn't stop watching him, making sure he was feeling okay, eating normally. There were some days he had slip ups, days where Joe had to stop by his lab in the station to make sure he was doing okay, where Caitlin had to sit with him for a few minutes in Star Labs to talk out his feelings and Iris had to just give him a hug and tell him to breath. That it wasn't his fault, that he shouldn't have to hate himself and that he was loved.


End file.
